I grew up as the youngest in a family of six children. For as long as I can remember, I found myself attracted to women. As I grew older, these feelings became stronger and stronger. I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling inside. I was raised in a strong and loving Christian home. I knew that because sexual and other “worldly” matters were never to be discussed, I could never talk about what was going on inside of me; so I carried this secret for years. When I was in high school, all my friends had boyfriends except me. I never felt comfortable dressing up and wearing make-up, as my girlfriends did (except on Sundays). I was much more comfortable in blue jeans and t-shirts. When I got to the eleventh grade, I had my first boyfriend. I really liked this guy, but I still had feelings of attraction to other girls. I tried to fight these feelings. I wanted so badly to be “normal” like all my friends were. In the fall of 1980, I enrolled in a junior college. It was at this time that I had my first sexual encounter with a woman. She seemed to be everything I wanted in a man, but I found it instead in a woman. But gradually she started having affairs with other women, and they introduced her to their friends. She wanted to try it all: other women, drugs and alcohol. I wanted a committed relationship with her alone, but that was not enough for her. What had started out being so wonderful soon became what seemed to be her betrayal of me. I realized that she’d had a lot of experience in this lifestyle, whereas she was my first girlfriend. Our relationship ended up in chaos and confusion. I tried everything to win her back, but nothing worked. In the end, she was involved with multiple sexual partners. I never wanted any of that kind of life, so we went our separate ways. I was completely devastated in the end. The pain I felt after our breakup began to show itself in my obsessive drinking and partying. I did not want another lover, so I started going to gay bars and house parties. I met a lot of other women, but was afraid to get seriously involved with any of them at first. Eventually, I did begin dating again and become involved with six other women. None of these relationships lasted more than one year. I was living the “gay life,” but instead of feeling good about it — I felt trapped. During those years, I felt as if I were riding on a roller-coaster. I prayed and I prayed to God, “When is this ride going to end? Are you ever going to change me?” It seemed as if God was not hearing my prayers, no matter how hard I prayed. Finally, I just stopped altogether. I did not know this at the time, but my mother never stopped her prayers for me. She “stood in the gap” for me. Even though we had never discussed my lesbianism, she knew. She was a real woman of God and a true and loving mother, one who knew her children well. I started dating men, and met one man whose company I especially enjoyed. He seemed different from any man I had ever met. I enjoyed his sense of humor, his kindness to me, and our conversations. He was a man who was greatly respected. Being in his company, I never felt a drawing to be with my former friends. I had a feeling somewhere inside of me that this could end up in our being married. What actually happened was that we had a “long-distance” relationship. By that time, I was away going to college. We both traveled back and forth to see each other. We spoke often by telephone. I felt even more strongly that he was the man for me! Then we became sexually involved, and I got pregnant. Instead of marriage, he broke our relationship. All my hopes were destroyed, and I was alone again. I really thought that this man would be the one to change my life, but that did not happen. After the birth of my son, I was very disillusioned and maybe as a result of that, I ended up going back into the lesbian life. But, thanks be to God, it was only for a time! The Lord pursued me and brought me out again. In the spring of 1995, my mother passed away and went to be with the Lord. Shortly afterward, my life seemed to change. My mother’s death had left a huge void in my life. I realized that something really important was missing. I did not know what was happening to me at the time, but I know now that I entered a time of great depression. The following winter, I felt that God was really beginning to help me come to terms with my desire for women. Slowly, it began to decrease. My lesbian friends would call me and ask me to go out with them, but I began turning down their invitations. That was a real change, going from a woman who had always gone to gay parties and clubs, to one whose interest in these activities was disappearing!
The next step was that I stopped even taking calls from my old friends and eventually changed my phone number to an unlisted one. One day, I telephoned these friends and actually told them that I could no longer hang out with them, and I told them why. What had taken place was that I surrendered my life to God. I shared this with them, and they wanted to know what I was going to do with my life. I shared Jesus Christ with them and asked them if they wanted to accept Christ as I had done. They all said no to me and told me the same thing, though in different ways. What they expressed to me was that they were not ready to do that. I told them that I loved them with the love of Jesus, and I assured them that I would be praying for them. I began to seek the Lord in every way I knew how: through Christian television, prayer, and in reading the Bible. I noticed that my desires for women began to fade away, and soon I was not struggling with them at all. I believe this happened because I was truly focused on the Lord. I was hungry for Him. My son has been a great blessing in my life, and I thank God for him. If you ask me if I miss living as a lesbian, my answer to you would be, “No way!” God created me a woman and has healed me of a terrible curse that tried to tell me otherwise. I praise Him every day for it, and I know He has forgiven me for trying to go back to the old ways for a time. I had wondered when, how or if I would ever share my past with my son. In December of 1998, God provided me that opportunity. We had gone to visit my sister-in-law and her husband in Alabama. We stayed there overnight, and during that visit, I knew the time was right for him to know. I was very fearful of his reaction at first. I thought he might resent me or judge me. After I finished sharing, I asked him if he needed to ask me anything. He said that I had answered everything for him. Instead of resenting me, he told me that no matter what, he loved me. He also told me that he was not ashamed of me. I was glad that I had been the one to tell him these things, rather than his hearing it from someone else. When we returned home from our visit, I was asked to share my testimony at our church. While driving home from church with my son the night I told my story, he said, “Mom, I am so proud of you!” I felt a huge load had been lifted from me that night. God gave me another opportunity to share my past — this time with my two closest friends. When I told them, both of them assured me of their love for me, no matter what I had done in the past. They let me know that our friendship would always be there. When they shared that there was nothing that could change how much they loved me, I felt wonderful, and somehow very special. I now have such peace and joy in my heart. God is working in my life with all His power. God created me to be a woman, and deep inside of me, He has assured me that this is what I am. Perhaps God has allowed me to go through all the things I did so that I could help others who struggle with homosexual temptations — to let them know that he loves every one of them, but that He hates all sin. People need to know and to see and hear how God can save and deliver. What He has done in my life, I believe He can do in your life, no matter what problems you have. The Enemy, Satan, is a liar. He comes “to steal, kill and destroy.” God comes to give us life, joy and peace. He wants us to experience freedom. Jesus is the way out of all our struggles with sin. Satan is already defeated. I encourage you to read Leviticus 20:13, and Romans 1:24-28. These scriptures give insight as to what God has to say about homosexuals. Homosexuality does not come from God. Remember also Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” Friends, be encouraged! You can make it. To God be the glory for redeeming my life from destruction!
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